Today is a very special day in the life of Julie. It is my 5th Bandiversary. 5 years. In one sense, it doesn’t seem like it could possibly be that long. In my mind, it could be just last week that I was at my first support group meeting listening to a room full of post op people talk about their experience. In another sense, I feel like I’ve been at this for decades.
I have to be philosophical about my Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) experience because it is a story that is fraught with both triumphs and tribulations. It is not a story of straight forward failure or success. The band, from a medical stand point, did exactly what I had hoped it would do. It has helped me maintain a perfectly normal size for 5 years. Within those 5 years, I have not developed any of the co-morbid conditions that I was seeking to prevent: heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, or cancer. The band did its job as an intervention to my morbid obesity and continues to do its job as prevention for potentially inherited co-morbidities.
Because of the band, there are so many things in my life that I can do now that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, do before. The weight loss has afforded me a tremendous amount of freedom where my sheer bulk used to shackle me and my shame used to bury me. Before WLS, I could never have imagined riding a horse again, sitting comfortably in the middle seat of the airplane, climbing a volcano AND riding a donkey in Greece, getting into a kayak, power snorkeling in the Caribbean, and riding any roller coaster that I wanted to without fear of not fitting. Before WLS going to a movie theater, getting on a bus, walking into a room where all of the chairs had arms, clicking the seatbelt of cars, and finding a formal gown were all horrifying experiences that I avoided if at all possible. I did not realize how many excuses I had made in my life to avoid experiences that would embarrass me due to my size. My lap band freed me from that.
WLS has given me the opportunity to know some the most amazing people on earth. First…. The team. Our amazing team! These professionals have stuck by me through thick and thin. There have been times during my five years that I have been very, very ill. The care and concern shown to me has been remarkable. I will never forget being so exhausted and frail as my first lap band was failing and having Bob say to me with such compassion, “I think we’re going to keep you.” I just needed somebody to make a decision. I was too sick and clinically depressed to do it for myself. Bob did. They admitted me and got me rehydrated. And then, a few months later, Dr. Weiss and Dr. Heneghan, together, took me to emergency surgery after 8pm on a Friday night to remove “George” and give me “Tommy” (long story!). All of these men have had a hand in saving my life many times over the last 5 years. I could never thank them enough… surely thank yous are not nearly enough.
I could write for hours about each of the professionals, because they all mean so much to me. I mean Cindy was a huge part of my journey. I so deeply appreciate Chris and all she has brought to this path of mine. And Dr. Mooney helped to finish my physical transformation with his unbelievable skill in reconstructive surgery. I am blessed to know them all. I am doubly blessed that they are all so good at what they do.
The other group of incredible people that my lap band brought me to is this support group. Oh, how I love this group. So many have come and gone, and so many have sewn their seeds into my life. I have been enriched by the loving, giving, intelligent, fun, caring, talented co-travelers who have shared time with me on this path. You have filled my days with joy and laughter in so many ways…. And we have shared pain and sorrow equally. You embrace victories with a zest for living that is enough to knock a person off her feet… and you do not shy away from the hurts that sometime encroach on this journey. No, you shoulder the load and make it lighter than it otherwise would have been. Who could ask for more? I have no doubt that a loving God designed groups to work just this way.
My weight loss opened my eyes to a very ugly side of life: the deeply real, personal, understanding of obesity discrimination. I was mostly unaware how much I had been affected by my obesity until I became a normal-sized person. Gradually, as the weight came off, I began to notice that people treated me differently. I am no longer “invisible” to the world. People speak to me and make eye contact with me in passing. Gentlemen rush to open doors for me or to carry heavy items for me. Before my weight loss, I rarely had a gentleman rush to do anything for me. I surmise that it is because they did not see me exactly as a “woman.” I was just a “fat person” who could carry that package and open that door just fine. To the majority of the world, I was not only invisible; I was mostly genderless.
It was a disgusting realization when I discovered that I was being treated differently as I lost my weight. Waiters and Waitresses treat me differently. Sales associates treat me differently. Even those in the academic and professional world treat me differently. Suddenly, I seem to have developed approximately 30 new I.Q. points. My thoughts and ideas are taken much more seriously… or at least I don’t have to repeat myself as much to have them heard. Most of us know that fat does NOT equal stupid. Too bad most of the rest of the world hasn’t discovered that yet.
And then there’s my body’s relationship with this lap-band… It is no secret that I have struggled with finding the balance between my very sensitive body and this tool that I’ve been given. I have desperately wanted it to work for me. I spent the first several years driving me and the band beyond the limits of what was reasonable to maintain. I thought for sure that I could find the balance and then simply live my life as a normal bandster. I pushed me, I pushed Bob, I pushed Dr. Heneghan… and did I mention that I pushed me? I just knew I HAD to get this right. I thought that I was smart enough to figure out a way to be “perfectly” adjusted so that my body would tolerate the tight times, but that I wouldn’t be hungry during the good times.
It was not be. For some reason beyond my comprehension, my body puffs up with the slightest provocation. And, when I retain fluid, my lap band becomes too restricted … often without warning. This is not a flaw with the band; this is problem with my body’s reaction to the band. The band is a static ring, and it doesn’t do bad things to me. My body just doesn’t want to cooperate with it. It took me a long time for me to accept this. It took me a long time for me to stop asking the team to make my adjustment SO perfect that I would choke on my own spit the next time I retained fluid.
I had to give up the ideal of perfectionism. I have actually given up on living a normal life with this lap band. It is not defeatist, it is realistic. That is part of the bitter sweetness of this anniversary. All of the marvelous things this weight loss surgery process has given me make the current struggle still worth while. It didn’t turn out the way I had expected that it would. But there is always a matter of perspective. Perspective is a conscious choice; glass half full or glass half empty. I got the great and wonderful things of WLS. The rest of it is an on-going story. I’ll take all the good stuff that this journey has afforded me, and mingle it with the struggles of a not-perfect solution. By doing so, I will continue to live a life that is lighter because I am unshackled from the ravages of obesity and free from the shame that weighed me down.
5 years. It is a milestone by anyone’s definition. As a culture, we celebrate such events in a variety of ways. For me, there will be no particular, overt celebration. This particular milestone shall be marked with a simple glass of water on my counter as I turn in for the evening. The symbolic will become the tangible as I choose to fill my glass much more than half full.
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